i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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