I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
