I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
