at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
