omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
