Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
