i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
