but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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