Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm like, not good at living.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
