In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
