Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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