You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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