Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
