She is in my trunk
id be glad to
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
So squirting runs in the family.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
