I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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