actually, I'm a sock model
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
