you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
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