Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
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