I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
