He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I think my vagina is haunted
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
