Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
