I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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