Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
