god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
