How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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