i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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