NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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