Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize