ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
