this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
