i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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