oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
