Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Randomize
