why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
