theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
