it was like his penis was on wheels.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
