i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize