watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
