is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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