By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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