im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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