barbara walters just said penis...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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