I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
