Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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