please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You made out with two different species that night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize