Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
