I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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