i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
