So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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