Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
