So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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