Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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