turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
