I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
