morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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