he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
