She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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