Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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