my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Drunk is a universal language darling
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
