alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
